There have been a number of pieces I’ve read about the way English people behave on trains and the underground. The most detailed was Kate Fox’s “Watching the English”. The main rules for the English are:

  • Don’t talk to anyone.
  • You may ask for information about what stop it is, or may grumble (preferably in an ironic manner) about delays or maybe the weather, to each other.
  • If you have travelled regularly (i.e. most days for years) with a particular traveller, then you might nod to them each day.
  • Newspapers are for hiding behind.
  • Never meet the gaze of someone else or if you do, break the eye contact as soon as possible.
  • When using a mobile phone always shout, preferably starting the call with “I’m on the train!” or “I’m on the train! Yes, on the train! Can you hear me?”. Whenever possible make highly private phone calls and laugh often, loudly and annoyingly whenever feasible.
  • Ignore the “quiet carriage” signs or even walk the entire length of the platform at Paddington to get on to the quiet carriage with a small child and a cat.
    OK, so I made this one up after the second time in a week in December finding people in the quiet carriage with a sub-5 yo child. The first family that did this had the mother tell the child to be quiet because it was the quiet carriage very early on in the trip and then herself became much louder than the child in a card game she instigated. It was the second family who had the cat, who was much quieter than the homo insapiens.
  • When people ignore the quiet carriage signs sigh, tut quietly and look pointedly at the “quiet carriage” signs but under no circumstances verbally point out to people that it is the quiet carriage.

The Japanese clearly share some of these rules:

  • Don’t talk to anyone.
  • You may ask for information about what stop it is, or may grumble (preferably in an ironic manner) about delays or maybe the weather, to each other. If a Westerner is the one asking, even if they are asking in polite Japanese, it’s allowed to try and ignore them and hope someone else answers.
  • Keep your eyes pointed down where possible (and almost always for females).
  • Mobile phones should be set to stun.
  • Text messaging and portable game machines are useful as an excuse to avoid meeting anyone’s gaze, particularly if young.
  • Eyes may be kept almost closed as an additional way of avoiding meeting another’s gaze.
  • Sleeping is acceptable.
  • Snoring is frowned upon, but no one will do other than look irritated.
  • Telepathic notification of your stop is provided for those sleeping on the train.
  • If you are a little old lady, make sure you offer help to Westerners looking confused trying to figure out the plethora of Rapid Express, Express, Semi Express, Semi Section Express, Tama Express and Local train times.
  • Oh, and finally, if you’re a rail employee and a Westerner asks in polite Japanese if you speak English (Sumimasen. Eigo o hanasemasu ka?) reply with a Gallic shrug rather than commit the solecism of saying I’m sorry (gomen nasai) or no (iie), even when they repeat themselves three times. Repeat the shrug until they get the idea and ask their question in Japanese.
    The necessity of close proximity in over-packed trains and pavements mean you will regularly come into brief physical contact with others. Only where this actually causes them problems do you need to apologise.